“I finally mustered the courage to visit a therapist.”
July 2023
Nathan Dcosta
Fifteen was when I first knew what an anxiety attack felt like. ‘Overwhelming’ and ‘extremely unpleasant’ don’t capture the pain and numbness I felt. A breakup and a financially unstable environment only added to the already existing hate I had for myself. I hadn’t realized how I’d pushed people away, and how toxic I’d become to them. There were days where I just couldn’t get myself out of bed; to shower, to go to college or to be myself. I hated every bit of who I was and what my panic had made me. I distinctly remember having days with upwards of five panic attacks a day. My hands shivered, my head throbbed and I constantly felt lopsided. Sleeping only led to nightmares which only led to panicking again and that’s just a weird cycle of its own. I’ve physically harmed myself through this and have been suicidal. Getting away from myself felt like the best way to end the pain but I stuck around and here’s why; In 2018, I finally mustered the courage to visit a therapist. This was an option put forth to me before but I never managed to gather my thoughts and speak about what was going on in my head. Not to a professional at least. And to whoever may read this, this was the best decision of my life. I’m smiling as I write this. I regret the years I spent running away from the waiting room and I’m so happy I stepped beyond that door. I have since been on a journey of rediscovery that’s not been perfect, but I love who I’ve become and I don’t think I’d let anyone tell me otherwise. I know I’m probably yet to hit my rock bottom and I’m still not perfect. But I’m so so so much happier! And my hands shiver a lot less so that’s a good sign. To whoever may read this, I hope you at the very least consider seeking professional help. You’re perfectly fine. All you have to do is be brave. There’s a world waiting for you beyond the pain and the world is you.
“I’m going to focus on being the best version of myself possible.”
July 2020
Keara
Everyone always assumes that anxiety and depression is something you’ll grow out of when you’re older. But, I have suffered from mental illness for years. Whenever I do voice my opinion and say I’m struggling, most people do not care to understand or hear what I have to say. When I’m depressed, I don’t want to be around other people, and I’m standoffish and reserved.
I also have autism spectrum disorder which doesn’t help with my mental state. I’ve always been someone who feels very out of place and uncared for even when people say that they care. I have a hard time trusting and believing others because people constantly walk in and out of my life. It’s like a revolving door that never closes. I don’t know how long someone will be in my life for. This is partly why I don’t try to make friends anymore.
I thought I needed to rely on other people to make me happy and cure my depression. But, I now know the only person who can do that is myself. I’m not sure who I am without my depression because there’s never a day where I don’t feel the least bit anxious and upset. I’m not this super positive and upbeat person. I’ve been hurt too many times before. I feel as though the world examines me through a microscope – piece by piece. However, I want to be seen as a human being and not for my disability.
I wanted to share my story to inspire others to seek help if they know their mental health is suffering. It doesn’t take a lot to admit the truth and I think it’s good to always be honest about how you feel.
I am confident I will find acceptance in this world. But, I know it’s not something which will come instantly, so I’m just going to focus on being the best version of myself possible. That’s all I really can do!
I do not have a lot of control over my own emotions and it’s difficult to move on when someone rejects me. But, I know I can move forward. I am a strong, independent woman and I don’t need someone else’s approval to be good enough or feel complete. I already know I’m fine the way I am! Why should someone else’s opinion matter that much to me?
“We all have immense power inside us to deal with anything.”
March 2020
Shivani Jindal
It was 6 years back. I was preparing for a medical entrance exam and I had taken a drop for a year. So many things happened in that year. I lost a loved one, I failed the entrance. I was suffering from anxiety and I didn’t even know it. I dropped for another time and this time I was more focussed for my entrance. However, things went sideways. After being on the peak of anxiety, I realised being a doctor is not what I strive for. I changed my decision and decided to go for fashion designing. That year, I had a complete mental breakdown when I lost a loved one again. Someone so close to me I could feel my heart wrenching everyday. I could not get over it for two years. I put my career, my physical and mental health at stake. Eventually, I realised that I have to take hold of myself or I’ll lose myself too. That’s when I realised that happiness does not come to us from people or things. Happiness comes from within. We are responsible for our own happiness. People and things can just add up to that happiness temporarily. And now, here I am. Trying my best in all possible ways to help people suffering from anxiety and depression. It sure is hard to cope up with, but we all have immense power inside us to deal with anything and everything. We are in this together.
“I am very proud of myself for taking that first hard step to seeking help and treatment.”
October 2019
Nicole Williams
I was mentally, emotionally and physically abused from the ages of 7-20 years old by the one person who I should have been able to trust with my life: my mother. Those abusive years with her, robbed me of so many first time precious memories that I will never get back. My father was never in the picture, so the only person I had as a life example was my bipolar depressed mother. Every major life event that every little girl experiences or should experience, was not awarded to me. When I got my first period at the age of 11, that was a very traumatic experience because my mother got mad at me for getting my period. I did not know what it was, I thought that something was wrong with me and that I was dirty. From there on, the abuse got worse, it become more emotional and mental abusive as I got older. My mother neglected me more and more to the point where, the basic life necessities that a mother should be teaching her daughter was not being taught to me. That neglect led me to become very ignorant sexually, financially and emotionally uneducated as well. I was very naive about the world and did not know how to protect myself.
When I turned 20 years old, I knew that it was time for me escape that abusive prison and get far away from my mother as possible. Due to my ignorance and naivety, I was not prepared for the world at all when I escaped my prison. The horrible upbringing that I had did more damage than I realized. Also unbeknownst to me at that time, I was suffering from the symptoms of major depression and anxiety disorders. I went through my 20’s trying so hard to regain everything that was stolen from me during my childhood and in my teens. Unfortunately, that only caused me more trauma, pain and suffering the entire decade of my 20’s. I went looking for love in all the wrong places because I never experienced love before from anyone before. I was also very naive and trusted a lot of people due to me being constantly isolated and sheltered from the world while growing up. Majority of my family members abused me and my trust. I was betrayed, lied to, deceived and manipulated by romantic partners because I had never been in a relationship before. I was financially ignorant and was always dealing with serious financial struggles. I went through my first heartbreak and since I was not taught anything about love and heartbreak, I did not know how to handle it in a healthy way. That led me on a downward spiral journey of resentment, anger, hate, trust issues, anxiety, sadness, deeper depression, reckless and dangerous behavior to deal with all that pain from the ages of 19-29.
The breaking point came in December 2018 at the age of 29, when my not yet diagnosed disorders peaked to their all time high. That year was one of the worst of my life in every arena such as, employment, relationships, physical, mental and emotion health. I had just gotten rid an abusive man in my life, that makes my mother look like Mother Theresa. However, being with him helped me realize that was something was very off with me mentally because of the destructive actions that I took that year. Also at the same, I was suffering from a midlife crisis because I was on the eve of my 30th birthday that coming February. That made me even more depressed because I realized that I had not accomplished everything in my life that I wanted to accomplish at 30. I spent my New Years alone because I was so depressed and suffering in silence.
In January, after the start of the new year, I made a determination to get to the bottom of how I was feeling and why I was feeling this way. I was in front of a psychologist and psychiatrist within three weeks of the start of the new year. Ultimately, my depression escalated to an extreme level a week before my 30th birthday after I started therapy. I spent my 30th birthday alone because no one invited me out for my birthday which plunged me deeper into the darkness. I have never felt more alone in my life than I was at that time. That also made me realize that I need to cut selfish people out of my life. I spent their birthdays with them but they could not repay me the same respect. So not only I was severely depressed I was also livid at my so-called “friends”. My 30th birthday was the worst birthday ever.
Two weeks after my 30th birthday, my psychiatrist clinically diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I had been suffering from both disorders since I was a teenager. With that diagnoses came the prescription for anti-depressants. I very hesitant and scared to take them because of the side effects, however, I understood that this was for the betterment of my mental health so I can become indestructibly happy. It is now October 8 months after my diagnoses and I am proud to announce that my diagnoses was not a negative trait of me. I was conditioned growing up thinking that everything about me was negative due to my mother abusing me. Therapy helped me realize that it is not my fault that my mother abused me ( I had been blaming myself for years). Other breakthroughs of my childhood have also been brought to the surface for me to heal. I love both my doctors and could not have made it this far without them. At the age of 30, I still have a very long way to go due to the decades of trauma that are still fresh within my soul but I am very proud of myself for taking that first hard step to seeking help and treatment.
“It’s okay to be anxious and depressed.”
June 2019
Anushree Gaigore
Having a traumatic childhood can actually affect you emotionally and cognitively. As a kid, it’s difficult to understand situations around you and until a long time I had no name to my feelings. Basically we didn’t have a happily ever after family type, I grew into a very emotionally weakened culture of parenting. Crying or writing diaries was the only outlet to me. Being the single child I always had to suffer my parents choices and our relatives never looked up into us. Later, the aloneness creeped in and slowly the pain converted to rage. There were times when I use to bite the pillow corner wishing I wasn’t born this way. My parents didn’t have time to listen and eventually I lost faith in them that they would understand. Each day the differences started growing and I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t sleep well, if I did I never felt like getting up. There were days when I felt there was a stone in my stomach. I started forgetting small things. I had constant feeling of running away. I also met a guy during these tough times, we dated for a year but over time things took the same old turn. Everything felt toxic and I didn’t want to keep any human company. I decided to step out, I had then shifted to Bangalore for my education its then when I started looking out for my symptoms. Then after a lot of research literature I some how got convinced that its okay to be anxious and depressed. I was diagnosed with mild clinical depression which was completely unseen even by me. I used to watch inspiring videos to make myself believe that this is not the end. By then I had this goal, to fight depression and help people. I started social work regularly which has definitely played a major role in my recovery and also my grandfather who I cannot thank less, who believed in me all this time with undying support and love. Its then when I decided that I wish to make a sustainable , freely accessible mental health platform for people like me. I started meeting people and helping then by sharing my journey. I conducted small workshop for children and women to encourage them in knowing about mental health. I started engaging myself into good activities and lectures which helped me personally.The only thing that can help us is expressing our feelings and seeking help. Indulge into every small thing that makes you happy and get involved. You may not feel to do it now but little things can help us heal for the bigger. The progress is slow but let it take time, just believe in the process.
“If you have been pulling yourself through, I think you are so brave.”
June 2019
Diya Padmakumar
I am diagnosed with anxiety and depression. What people need to understand is that when you are struggling, your mind is a dark place and it’s okay not to be okay. Even then, it does not mean that you are going to stay in here. I used to slit my arms often. But now I know that it is not worth it. I got a tattoo of a semicolon, an unusual one (that still indicates ‘don’t give up’). So every time I want to cut, I look at my tattoo. I now know that I’m here for a reason. If you have been pulling yourself through, I think you are so brave, and you shouldn’t listen to people if they convince you any different. Please keep going. You’ve got this.